IBS, Shame, and the Fear of Public Spaces

A couple of months ago, my partner and I tried a new soup restaurant in my town. It was delicious, the drinks were amazing, and they had incredible Japanese-style cakes that you couldn’t get anywhere else in town. It was a winner.

The soup that I had was potato and chive.

After leaving the restaurant and continuing our shopping trip, we headed to our local supermarket for our daily shopping. And in the car park, it hit. An unbearable churning, squeezing, drilling sensation in my stomach. Something had triggered my IBS. I mentioned it to my partner, who just said “Duh, you had chives”, which was not very helpful.

I had to make a run to the supermarket toilets, which had a lengthy queue, as usual. Because my disability isn’t visible, I don’t like joining the disabled queue when there are already other people waiting - people stare and ask questions. So I had to stand in line for almost five minutes while I felt like an Alien chest burster was about to explode out of me (not from my chest, unfortunately).

I made it in, and the room was somehow silent. Everyone knows the embarrassment of having to take a poop in public, but IBS for me doesn’t just knock at the door, it kicks the door down. It was an uncomfortable time and I’m sure other people in the bathroom were just as embarrassed.

But why are people so averse to talking about medical conditions like this? Centuries ago, people would throw their chamber pots into the streets without shame. Nowadays admitting that you poop is like admitting to murder.

Managing digestive issues in public is a whole new kind of challenge. Toilet breaks in the workplace, delicate dietary requirements, and juggling whether to go before leaving the house already make me feel slow. It’s a balancing act of what’s best personally with what people expect of you. 

I’ve found that especially living as a woman, there’s an ideology that we don’t poop. Being raised in a house with my dad and my brother, these discussions were relatively normalised, but as soon as I was let out into the real world, I realised how strange it was for people to talk about anything to do with the bathroom.

The fact that not only are these illnesses stigmatised but also invisible means that asking for help can be a nightmare. People ask questions that are embarrassing and dehumanising to answer. I used to find that it’s much easier to just wait in a long queue and struggle internally than to ask for help from someone in a situation like that.

So what can help relieve the awkwardness?

There are a few things that I’ve found to help set me at ease. Having a go bag with me is essential because of my POTS anyway. I make sure it includes wet wipes, electrolytes, and mini deodorants (I’ve been really enjoying this travel deodorant from Wild (I am not paid by them, I just love their scents!)). It’s helped me feel more secure when I do have to use a public restroom, and fresher when I leave again.

Reassuring myself that I am allowed to use a disabled toilet. It’s an emergency and I have a valid chronic illness. This is something that I’ve always struggled to do in a real situation, but we’re always improving.

When I enter a restaurant or shop for the first time, I need to clock where the toilets are on the way in. I also communicate to whomever I’m with that occasionally I might need to leave early. My friends and partner are all very supportive, and I’m very grateful to have them to go out with.

Lastly, self-compassion and rest. It’s repeated everywhere but it is so important. Going through something like this is embarrassing and exhausting. I have to be hypervigilant wherever I go. It makes me so tired. I need to make sure that I’m rested and looking after myself.

It’s hard to feel validated when society isn’t made for invisible illnesses, but advocating for yourself is one of the strongest things you can do. You deserve to take up space, and you deserve to use the loo when you need to. 

If you enjoyed this post, let me know! I’m currently working on a Notion template for tracking the foods that trigger my IBS, and I’m going to be posting it soon to share it with you all. Let’s hope we can avoid having another Chive Soup situation.

Thank you all for reading, have a lovely day!

Jae